Peter and Lisa snuggled on the sofa, researching European vacations. Lisa’s ancestors had come from Germany, and Pete’s grandmother was from Norway. They searched for cruises that visited both countries. Maybe they could visit Denmark, Sweden, and Belgium, too? This would be the trip of a lifetime.
Fifty-five-year-old Lisa had just retired from her job as a school principal. She wanted to join Peter in his early retirement from working as a cardiac surgeon in the local hospital. After many years of intense work, they were ready for a change of pace. Lisa planned to write a book of stories based on several decades of working in elementary schools, and Peter hoped to renovate their home and plant a vegetable garden. He was also considering an invitation to work at a mission hospital in India, while his friend from medical school returned home on furlough.
Then Lisa’s phone rang with the devastating news that shattered their dreams into a thousand pieces. Their daughter, Krissie, and her husband, Jason, had been killed in a car accident as they returned from a choir rehearsal, leaving three orphaned daughters, ages 4, 7, and 10. The babysitter, a friend of the family, would stay with the children while they slept. But Peter and Lisa would need to share the tragic news with the girls when they woke up, comfort their broken hearts, and become their full-time “parents.”
Desperately grieving and bewildered by shock, Peter and Lisa packed their bags and drove to reach the girls’ home before breakfast. They took turns, crying and driving, through the long dark night, wondering how to tell the children what had happened, and trying to imagine how this unexpected tragedy would change the rest of their lives.
When grandparents inherit bereaved grandchildren, they face many unexpected challenges. Sometimes they will need to take turns, crying and driving through the dark valleys of their lives, as they grieve and care together. There will be frustrations and joys, laughter and tears; they will need to learn how to parent a new generation facing different challenges; and they will have to let go of the dreams they had had for their senior years.
Peter and Lisa legally adopted the three girls, sold their house, and moved into their daughter’s home so the children could continue attending their small school, with caring teachers and close friends, and have less disruption and change. Emotionally they needed to work through their own complex grief and support the children through their different distressing journeys. They did not have as much energy for parenting as they did in their 20s, but they had plenty of time, because they no longer needed to work. Peter had missed out on parenting Krissie and her twin brother, Karl. Now he enjoyed being with the girls, driving them to school and kindergarten, teaching them to play football, and reading bedtime stories. Fortunately, Lisa had years of experience with small children in her school, and now she had more understanding, skill, and patience than when the twins were young.
Challenges and Blessings
In addition to grieving the loss of their daughter and son-in-law, Peter and Lisa realized they had other losses to process alongside their bereavement. One day they sat in their favorite café, sharing a slice of cake and listing their losses so that they could acknowledge each of them. They had lost regular contact with friends and church members where they used to live. They could no longer go to the same art classes and tennis club as before. Their plans to go on a long cruise, or a short-term mission trip, were impractical with three small children. Their retirement would be very different from their original dreams, because they would need to care full-time for at least another 15 years.
When grandparents inherit bereaved grandchildren, they face many unexpected challenges.
Then they made a list of blessings and gains. Lisa would find it hard to write her book until the children were more settled, but perhaps she could write while they were at school. Peter could renovate Krissie and Jason’s old home and enlarge it so that the girls could each have their own bedroom, and he would build Lisa a writing room in the large garden, where he could still grow a vegetable garden. They enjoyed being with their granddaughters, having time to laugh and play with them, and planning lively worship experiences. Peter and Lisa wanted the girls to grow up knowing God as a compassionate, loving, and comforting Father, who cared about their losses and their sadnesses, rather than being angry at Him for their parents’ deaths. They exchanged international cruises for camping trips, and missionary opportunities for sharing faith with their granddaughters.
Full-time parenting in their senior years had its challenges. Peter and Lisa visited a family counselor once a month to help them care for their grief and the grief of the children. Even so, the eldest daughter struggled with grief-related depression in her mid-teens, the middle daughter had frequent nightmares about car accidents, and the youngest one was sad because she did not have very clear memories of her parents. Peter and Lisa kept learning new ways to care for the girls and for each other
As Peter and Lisa reflected on the huge changes in their lives, they also looked toward the future. They would both be 70 before the youngest granddaughter would go to college. Staying healthy and fit was a priority so that they would have the energy to parent the children safely. Affording college fees would require careful financial planning. And they would take classes for parents of teenagers, so they could be understanding and supportive through the challenging years ahead.
Well into their 80s Peter and Lisa celebrated the girls’ college graduations and weddings. Their life had taken a different pathway than the one they expected, but they had no regrets. If you ask them what helped them cope with parenting their grandchildren, they will tell you that their relationship with God and with each other helped them support the children.
Lisa said, “We met other couples who were caring for their grandchildren, sometimes because of family breakdown or abandonment, sometimes because the children’s parents were in prison. Some of the grandparents blamed themselves for not being good enough parents for their own children. Some were angry with their children for making bad choices, being irresponsible, and ruining their lives by leaving them to care for their grandchildren.”
“I think these struggles seriously affected the grandkids,” said Peter. “It’s more painful for them to know their parents are alive but don’t call or visit them, or that their parents are drug addicts, or are in prison for hurting other people. In these cases, life is even more complicated and difficult, and the families need good support from caring communities, churches, and family therapists, if it’s available.”
The three girls remember their childhood with great fondness. “When other children’s parents were busy working, our grandparents had plenty of time to be with us. That was the greatest gift. They taught us how to live well, how to be compassionate toward others, and how much God loved us. We didn’t always make life easy for them. But we’re so glad they were always there for us.”
One Christmas the three sisters surprised their grandparents with a very special gift. Tickets for Peter and Lisa, together with the girls and their husbands, to enjoy a Northern European cruise. Finally, after more than two decades, their dream came true.
