My grandparents were married in the 1920s.[1] Stan was blind, and Lily was the youngest of 13 children. Lily became pregnant on their honeymoon. She had no idea how she would give birth to her first child. When she asked her aunt how the baby would come out, she was told, “The same way it got in.” Lily had never seen a baby born, or even an animal. She was frightened and confused.
Because of their own parents’ silent embarrassment, my mom and dad found a useful book to help them navigate the basics of sexual intimacy. Thankfully, they chose to give us the message that sex is a beautiful gift from God. Our sexuality was something to be anticipated with joy and wonder, and a delight to be treasured. We were taught that our bodies are wonderfully and beautifully created by God, and that they are “very good” (Gen. 1:27-31).
It’s not easy to talk about God’s amazing gift of sexuality, and the wonderful way in which God has designed our bodies for intimacy. We struggle with our own stories of shame and embarrassment, or to find the best words to discuss the topic. But it’s important to have an ongoing conversation about healthy sexuality with our children, one little piece at a time.
The way we care for our babies, talk about their bodies, and delight in how they were created is vitally important for developing a healthy body image. When we handle them gently and lovingly, as God’s precious gifts, they learn that they are wonderfully made. Even when we change their diapers, we can smile and care for them cheerfully, rather than with disgust, which can give them the unintentional message that their private areas are dirty and shameful.
Modeling a marriage in which each partner cares for the other and invests in the other person’s flourishing can help to demonstrate healthy boundaries and positive attitudes toward sexuality. This helps children learn about good relationships, kindness, respect, and serving each other in love.
Tips for the Talk
As children grow older, continue to talk about their bodies with wonder and respect, and help them to delight in all the systems of their bodies. It’s best to give children bite-sized chunks of information about sex when it arises in the conversation or when they see animals mating and giving birth, rather than having one big talk about sex.
Answer their questions as simply and warmly as you can, with a smiling face and a soft tone. This will help them to feel comfortable and confident when they want to talk about sexual topics and questions in the future. If you’re not sure what to say, tell them that they’ve asked a good question and that you’ll look for some good answers.
When you have a warm and open approach to your children’s sexual curiosity, they are more likely to turn to you with their concerns, worries, and questions.
Look out for Christian books that present a simple, positive picture of our sexuality, and God’s plan for families, such as The Story of Me, by Brenna Jones. Teach children about pornography early, especially if you live in a culture in which they might accidentally discover pornography when using computers and phones. Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, by Gail Poyner and Kristen A. Jenson, explains pornography in a simple way, and then teaches children five “Can Do” steps to respond to pornography if they accidentally encounter it:
C—Close your eyes immediately.
A—Always tell an adult.
N—Name it as pornography.
D—Do something distracting.
O—Order your thinking brain to take charge.
Prepare children for the exciting changes of puberty. Give girls a positive concept of menstruation by celebrating this new stage in a fun and special way. Keep affirming the wonder of their body and make sure that your comments about them and their bodies reinforce that they are precious to you and to God. Avoid teasing them and shaming them.
As they grow older, teens will ask more challenging questions about relationships and sexuality. The website at www.axis.org provides excellent discussion guides on a wide range of subjects. You will find current research, biblical references, and robust answers to help you navigate the complexity of your teen’s questions.[2]
Here are some top tips for talking to your children about sex:
- Where possible, continue to nurture your marriage by learning more about your own sexual intimacy and seeking help for your own areas of struggle and pain. When your attitudes toward sexual intimacy are healthy and positive, you will also help your children to appreciate and respect God’s wonderful gift.
- When you have a warm and open approach to your children’s sexual curiosity, they are more likely to turn to you with their concerns, worries, and questions. Breathe deeply, stay calm, and ask them where their question has come from. This will help you to understand the context of their question and what kind of answer they need.
- Teach the importance of consent in relationships. This helps them to create safe boundaries by saying “No!” when others want them to do things that they don’t want to do, and also how to respect others when they choose to say “No!”
- Your children are on a journey of learning about sexuality, just as you are. Don’t panic when they are struggling. Stay calm and hold on to the bigger picture of their lives and God’s grace.
- Help them to understand the difference between feelings and identity. Feelings can be complex, but they don’t define us, and they can change over time.
- Help your teens find additional safe Christian adults to mentor them, so they have a caring, positive support system.
- Keep praying for wisdom and love as you share the secrets of God’s wonderful design for sexuality with your children.
- Remember that every sexual mistake and unwise decision can be forgiven by God. Everyone can start again and make better choices next time.
- Tell them that whatever they are struggling with, you will always support them and be there for them, just as God is always there for us. Even if they have messed up, we can welcome them home and love them deeply, just like the father of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).
[1] This article first appeared in Stronger Together, issue 3, 2024. It has been adapted for the Adventist Review and used with the author’s permission. More resources on this topic are available at https://humansexuality.org/resources.
[2] While this website offers helpful discussions and valuable information on many topics, its reference should not be understood as an endorsement of all its content by the Adventist Review.
