I remember the first time I saw him at church. Dark hair curled over his forehead, while his piercing brown eyes began to haunt my dreams. Would he ever look my way? After all, he was 15 and so very mature.
I, on the other hand, was only 13. He was the first boy I ever liked, and the experience was exciting yet stressful. I wasn’t prepared for the emotions that came with puberty, with being attracted to someone for the first time.
Those years—the early 1990s—saw the growing popularity of the purity movement, and I lived in that mindset, determined to keep my heart pure. After all, I was a Christ follower. And so the battle began. My devotional life alternated between pleas with God to change my emotions and pangs of guilt for still being attracted to the dark-haired kid from church. The longer I agonized, the more discouraged I became.
Why couldn’t I change? Why did I feel so dirty? Where was God when I needed Him most? Too embarrassed to share my struggle with my parents, I outwardly complied with expectations, while inside I felt like giving up.
Not a Band-Aid
Sometimes I think we Christians turn life inside out. We teach physical abstinence as something to be sought and guarded like a trophy awarded or a banner waved. Look at how Christian I am! I saved myself for marriage. Yet, unfortunately, outward compliance does not guarantee inward conversion. Still, we sign purity pledges, believing that a signature on a line will help us in a moment of weakness. We abstain from anything that could lead to sex while allowing our thoughts free rein to step into sin. Lust consumes us, even as we sing in the choir or give Bible studies.
Purity is not a badge to be worn. It’s not a garment to put on. It’s not a Band-Aid to cover the lust inside.
Remember Jesus’ teaching on the principles of His kingdom in Matthew 5? The scribes and Pharisees believed He was doing away with the Law—as they understood it—along with the numerous regulations their traditions had added to it. In reality, Jesus stripped away their pretense, their show of righteousness, and revealed that His standard is much broader, deeper, and wider than anything we can imagine. His law reaches into the innermost fiber of my being, into my heart itself.
His law addresses my motives: Why do I want to be pure?
It dissects my thoughts: Is every thought holy?
It reveals my emotions: Can I actually be free from lust?
What, then, is purity? Is it simply abstaining from sex outside of marriage, or is there something deeper? I believe that understanding the principles of purity helps us to identify the keys to victory. So let’s explore seven keys of purity in the life of the believer.
Key One: Purity Is Generated by God—Not Self-created
Have you ever tried to live the Christian life and thought, I’m no longer going to have that emotion. I’ll refrain from acting out. I’ll do better next time. Have you gritted your teeth and tried harder, only to discover that your own willpower is not enough for this battle?
I have.
For me, I outwardly conformed to the letter of the law while my heart and thoughts still fantasized, still lingered over what was impure, still stepped into sin. But Jesus said that when I hold lust in my heart, it’s the same as engaging in premarital sex or adultery (see Matt. 5:27, 28). Purity, then, is not just about abstinence; it deals with the issue of the heart.
First, we must recognize that purity comes from God; it’s not self-created. This key is foundational. After all, even our best righteousness is nothing but filthy rags (Isa. 64:6). Even Jesus, when He became man and lived among us, said, “I can of Myself do nothing” (John 5:30), meaning He depended completely on His Father. This is why He advised His disciples in John 15 to abide in Him as the Vine, for “without Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
There is a fascinating Hebrew word that sheds light here: bara’, often translated “create.” Bara’ showcases God’s ability to make something from nothing and is used only when God is the subject—not humanity. Genesis 1:1 says, “In the beginning God created [bara’] the heavens and the earth.” This means God made something from nothing, as only God can create.
Only God can take my dirty thoughts, lustful emotions, and sinful actions and give me purity.
We understand this in the realm of the cosmos. Yet the same Hebrew word is also used to describe God’s ability to re-create in us a clean heart. It’s interesting that bara’ is used in the context of sexual purity in David’s prayer of repentance after his sexual sin with Bathsheba. Psalm 51:10 says, “Create [bara’] in me a clean heart, O God.” This means that only God can create purity of heart and life. Only God can take my dirty thoughts, lustful emotions, and sinful actions and give me purity.
If you’re longing for sexual purity, receive the purity He freely offers.
Key Two: Purity Is Governed by Choice—Not Self-drift
Sex is a gift. It is God-ordained and God-created. It is not shameful in the right context (marriage) and with the right person (your spouse). Yet the world has twisted our understanding of sexuality into a false all-or-nothing dichotomy: all sex is dirty, so either we fear it or attach shame to it, or we get tired of striving and think, Why does it matter? You only live once, so do what feels good.
God created sex for pleasure in the context of marriage from the very beginning. The Hebrew word for “knew,” as in “Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived” (Gen. 4:1), saturates the Old Testament, appearing more than 900 times in Scripture. Its meaning ranges from simple awareness to the deepest covenantal intimacy and underscores the relational quality of knowing someone or knowing God. “To know” is not simply an intellectual act; it is experiential. Sex, as God ordained it, is not merely a physical act; it is personal, covenantal, and deeply emotional and intimate. This is why King Solomon wrote, “I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases” (S. of Sol. 8:4).
Here is where the human element—our choice—connects with the divine source of power. You see, I can’t change my habits. I can’t change my thoughts or my emotions. But I can choose Jesus. He alone is pure, and He alone can make me pure. He can cleanse and transform, making me a new creation in Christ (1 John 1:9; 2 Cor. 5:17). After all, He is the one who works in me, “both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (Phil. 2:13). It’s amazing that He gives me both the desire for purity and the power to live in purity. It is all Jesus—but I still need to choose Him. Not just once a week, or even once a day, but moment by moment.
If you’re struggling with sexual purity, choose Jesus. When you get out of bed in the morning, as you go throughout the day, and especially when you’re tempted, choose Jesus.
Key Three: Purity Is Guarded Through Accountability—Not Self-isolation
Have you ever noticed that sin thrives in secrecy? It is why masturbation most often occurs alone, with nothing but a glowing screen to fuel sexual thoughts. It is why couples feel a stronger temptation when they’re alone rather than in a crowded restaurant. As Christians, if we choose to walk in the light instead of the darkness, temptation begins to lose its power. The apostle John tells us, “But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:7). In its original context this passage speaks of the spiritual synergy we have with brothers and sisters in Christ, since we all “walk in the light” (that is, we follow Jesus). But I believe this also applies to sexual temptation: walk in the light; don’t hide in the darkness.
What does this mean practically? Find an accountability partner of the same sex—someone to be honest with and accountable to. Don’t struggle in secret; bring it into the light. Immediately this helps to lessen temptation and addiction, while also keeping you grounded and accountable. An accountability partner should be someone honest, kind, biblically grounded, and confidential—someone you can trust. You don’t have to walk this alone!
Older mentors are also such a gift in life. Paul himself mentored Timothy and Titus and also counseled older women to mentor younger women (see Titus 2:2-8). Older people have walked this path before us; don’t be afraid to reach out for guidance and mentorship.
You don’t have to struggle alone. Bring other safe, trusted people into your battle.
Key Four: Purity Is Guided by Intention—not Self-sabotage
Romans 13:14 says, “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” What does it mean to “make no provision for the flesh”? It means that if your battle is pornography, cut off your internet or install a strong filter, and cancel your magazine subscriptions. If you’re like me, and your battle was romantic novels or fantasies in your head, toss the books that tempt you. Or if you’re dating someone, don’t place yourself in situations in which you could be compromised or tempted. Only you know your particular struggle—or the time or place where that temptation is strongest. Be intentional with your heart and with your relationship.
And remember that everyone is different. Purity is not a checklist to achieve, nor is it a rigid list of do’s and don’ts. Purity is a lifestyle that springs from a heart that loves God. Don’t criticize or judge your neighbor in their practice of purity; simply focus on yourself. My husband, Greg, and I, when we were dating, made a list of boundaries we believed were appropriate, or not, for us. We shared that list with others so we could be held accountable, and we intentionally sought to avoid certain situations that carried greater temptation.
If you’re struggling with sexual purity, be intentional to remove things from your mind, heart, home, and relationship that could cause you to stumble.
Key Five: Purity Is Grown Through Communication—Not Self-silencing
One of the foundations of any solid relationship is communication. Talk as you date; talk once you’re engaged; talk after you’re married. Don’t be afraid to talk.
When Greg and I first married, I wrongly believed that a “good Christian wife” shouldn’t express negative emotions. Space does not permit me to explore the why, but my struggle made our first year of marriage more complicated. I became adept at stuffing my emotions while seeking to love, serve, honor, and cherish my husband. Real relationships, however, are not all roses; there are thorns sometimes, too. It took patience from my husband and intentionality from me to learn that I could express negative emotions. Share when you’re sad or frustrated, when you’re discouraged or feeling tempted. Be honest about your fears and questions.
The beauty of the gospel is this: Our past does not define us. In Christ we are forgiven, redeemed, chosen, accepted—and we can be set free!
Ephesians 4:25 says, “So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body” (NLT). We may think we’re not lying, but withholding the truth is also a lie. Learn to communicate even when it’s messy, when it hurts.
If you’re struggling with sexual purity, learn to talk—and listen—to your partner.
Key Six: Purity Is Given Through Forgiveness—Not Self-shaming
“But,” you say, “you don’t know my past. How can I be pure if I’ve already had sex or gotten pregnant?” Or maybe you’ve kept yourself physically pure yet struggled with pornography or romantic fantasies of the mind.
I know. I’ve been there. That crawling sense of shame from lustful thoughts. The dirtiness of soul. I remember one person telling me, “Jill, you’re as clean as new-fallen snow,” and I thought, If you only knew.
The beauty of the gospel is this: Our past does not define us. In Christ, we are forgiven, redeemed, chosen, accepted—and we can be set free (1 John 1:9; Eph. 1:4-7). This means we can all be as clean as new-fallen snow. Pure. White. Perfect in Him.
And if we have walked with Him and then we slip up or step into sin, there is still “an Advocate” for us “with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous” (1 John 2:1). His blood covers our sin. His grace is sufficient to free us not only from sin’s penalty but also its power. Hallelujah!
If you’re struggling with shame and condemnation, you don’t have to wallow. Jesus can cleanse and set you free!
Key Seven: Purity Is Grounded in God’s Timing—Not Self-appointment
This one is hard: God, I’m so lonely. When will You bring someone into my life?
God, I have needs. Why can’t someone satisfy them? Do I really need to practice abstinence?
God, can’t I indulge in sexual thoughts? I’m not hurting anyone else.
It’s hard to wait when we desire something or someone. It’s hard to trust a God we cannot see and not take things into our own hands. Remember Abraham in Genesis 16? He didn’t want to wait on God and instead brought another woman to bed, with disastrous consequences. By contrast, Joseph, repeatedly tempted to sexual sin, chose to cry out, “How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?” (Gen. 39:9).
It all comes down to trust. Do I trust that my God is good? that He will bring me that “good and perfect gift” in His time and way? (James 1:17, NIV).[*] Will He truly make “everything beautiful in its time”? (Eccl. 3:11).
If you’re struggling with sexual temptation, trust the God who loves you more than anything.
So what about my 13-year-old self, confused by sexual attraction and unsure how to navigate those feelings? The keys I discussed here are effective, regardless of whether we’re young, naive, and just stepping into life, or jaded and filled with remorse for decisions made.
Our first step is always to turn toward God, recognizing that He alone can make or keep us pure. It’s not in me to simply try harder; my role is to choose Him, and allow Him to do that work in me. Next, I invite trusted people into my journey, to mentor and encourage me as I make intentional choices for God. I learn to communicate and ask for help from others, while turning to God for grace and forgiveness when I need it most. And finally, I trust that my God—our God—will do the work in my heart and life, and bring me His best gifts, in His time and way. After all, He’s the author of love and purity, and He alone can write my story.
[*] Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
