About a year ago I made a big mistake.[i] I was on holiday when a good friend of mine started talking about a conspiracy theory. I had no idea he was deeply interested in conspiracy theories—and I handled the situation very poorly.
We were in a hotel cafeteria, and while he was still speaking, I pulled out my phone, found an article that “proved” he was wrong, and showed it to him. Here’s the evidence, I thought. I’m right; you’re wrong.
As you can imagine, it didn’t go well. He got angry. I showed him more evidence. And it spiraled—until he stormed out of the cafeteria. As a communication professional, I am embarrassed to reflect on how poorly I handled this.
Beyond Intractable Conflict
We’ve all been in similar situations—sometimes online, commenting on a social media post; sometimes trying to talk to someone from a different political party or a different organization within the same church.
How do we communicate in a way that sheds light and builds connection in a world marked by polarization and “intractable conflict”?
In intractable conflict, when we encounter members of another “tribe”—whether political, religious, ethnic, or otherwise—the tension worsens. Our brains become hypervigilant. We can’t feel curious when we feel threatened. And in that state we become immune to new information. No amount of evidence changes anything.[ii]
Beyond Binary Narratives
I want to share with you three strategies Jesus used to break the cycle of intractable conflict. I’ll draw from a Bible story and from the research of Amanda Ripley and the organization More in Common to explore why we’re becoming more polarized and how to heal those divides.[iii]
Centuries before modern conflict resolution and media studies, Jesus modeled what today’s research confirms: that healing begins when we move beyond binary narratives.
According to John 4 there were two groups that demonized each other in the time of Jesus: Jews and Samaritans. They avoided each other, distrusted each other’s worship, and passed down generations of suspicion. Yet instead of repeating that script, Jesus sat by a well and broke the rules. He didn’t lead with answers—He asked questions. He widened the lens of the conversation, and He listened with radical attention.
In doing so, He brought beautiful, healing complexity to a conversation that could have remained black and white. And He offers us, Christian communicators in a deeply polarized Europe, a timeless template: not to simplify, but to complicate the narrative with grace.
Jesus Asks Questions That Get to People’s Motivations
You won’t be surprised to learn that one of the most effective ways to break the cycle of conflict is asking questions. Jesus didn’t start the conversation with the Samaritan woman—a cultural and religious “enemy”—by quoting Scripture to prove her wrong. Instead, He began with a question that exposed His own vulnerability: “Will you give Me a drink?”He continued this pattern throughout their conversation—not to trap her, but to invite her into dialogue.
Research shows that the most powerful questions are those that help us respectfully glimpse another person’s motivations. We form our deepest convictions—especially political ones—not just from facts, but from six core moral foundations: care, fairness, liberty, loyalty, authority, and sanctity. If we can build trust around these shared values, we create space for genuine connection.
Research shows that these types of questions can create space for connection:
- How has this issue affected your life?
- What do you think the other side really wants?
- What’s the question nobody is asking?
- What do you and your community need to understand about the other side?
- What’s being oversimplified about this issue?
Don’t start with answers. Start with questions. Don’t aim first to convince; aim to connect.
Sometimes connection leads to changed perspectives. But even when it doesn’t, connection has intrinsic value: it reveals our shared humanity. For Seventh-day Adventists who are used to proof-texting and proving that our theology and doctrines are right, this may be a new paradigm.
Jesus Widens the Lens
Often we get tunnel vision. We become so locked into a conflict that we lose sight of the bigger picture. Zooming out restores perspective.
Jesus did this masterfully in His conversation with the Samaritan woman. Every time she zoomed in on division—“You’re a Jew; I’m a Samaritan” (see John 4:9)—Jesus widened the lens: “If you knew the gift of God . . .” (verse 10). When she focused on the well (see verse 11), He pointed to living water (see verses 13, 14). Jesus didn’t deny the tension; but He refused to let it define the conversation. And something remarkable happened: She began to see her own thirst. Jesus asked for water, but by the end of the conversation she was the one asking for it.
They discovered common ground: “We are both thirsty.” We may thirst for different things—but we all need water.
Jesus Teaches Us How to Listen More—and Better
Often when we read the last part of the story, we fixate on the fact that the woman had five husbands and was now with a man who wasn’t her husband. We turn it into a morality tale. But that’s not the point. This is a story of self-revelation and connection.
We don’t know why she was divorced five times. In Jesus’ time only men could initiate divorce. Perhaps she was married off as a teenager. Perhaps she was barren—a common reason for divorce. Perhaps she survived abuse. We simply don’t know. What we do know is how Jesus responded.
He didn’t shame her. He said, “What you have said is quite true.” Notice, He affirmed her honesty before revealing deeper truth. He didn’t say, “You’re sinful.” He said, in effect, “You are fully seen—and not condemned.”
Only after she felt truly heard—only after trust was built—did He reveal His identity: “I who speak to you am He” (verse 26). The mastery of this conversation!
He didn’t sit by the well and declare, “I am the Messiah—pour me some water.”
He built connection first. Revelation follows relationship.
It’s All About Connection
Communication that brings light into people’s lives starts with connection. In our polarized world, it cannot begin with persuasion, with proving ourselves right, or with weaponizing facts or even prophecy. It must begin with shared humanity—with our mutual thirst, our longing to be seen, our need for grace. It requires us to step out of the “us versus them” mindset—and into the sacred space where light doesn’t just expose; it heals.
[i] This commentary is based on a devotional presented by Vanessa Pizzuto, Communication director of the Trans-European Division, at the Global Adventist Internet Network (GAiN) Europe 2025 convention in Pravets, Bulgaria, on November 13. Elements of the oral presentation have been retained.
[ii] See Peter Coleman, The Five Percent (New York: PublicAffairs, 2011).
[iii] See Amanda Ripley at https://thewholestory.solutionsjournalism.org/complicating-the-narratives-b91ea06ddf63?gi=0d0a74b68814.
