Q. We were elated when our son got married a few months ago, and we welcomed our new daughter-in-law with open arms. With three sons and no daughters, we were happy to finally have a daughter in our family. Everything we have done to include our daughter-in-law in our family activities, however, has been met with suspicion and contempt. We are brokenhearted and totally confused. Please help us understand what we are doing wrong.
A. In-law relationships can be among the most challenging of family dynamics to manage, particularly when tensions arise early in the marriage. When a daughter-in-law appears suspicious or contemptuous despite welcoming efforts, it is important to consider proven relationship dynamics.
In Ephesians 4:2, 3, Scripture instructs believers to walk “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”* This patience-centered approach recognizes that meaningful relationships take time to develop. Also, 1 Peter 3:8, 9 counsels: “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” This implies responding to perceived contempt with continued kindness rather than defensiveness.
Your daughter-in-law’s behavior may reflect attachment insecurities or fear of losing her primary relationship with your son. Marriage represents a significant adjustment period, and her defensive posture might be a protective mechanism.
Research on family systems theory proposes that marriage creates a realignment of relationships. Your daughter-in-law is negotiating her place in a preexisting family system while simultaneously establishing boundaries for her new marital unit.
Rather than interpreting her behavior as a personal rejection, consider it through the lens of transition anxiety. Giving her space to establish her new identity within the family while maintaining consistent, nonintrusive warmth may help reduce her defensive stance over time.
In-law relationships involve complex power dynamics. Your daughter-in-law may perceive attempts at inclusion as threats to her autonomy or as judgment on her adequacy as a spouse.
By maintaining a posture of grace, respecting boundaries, and extending genuine warmth without demands, you create space for a healthier relationship to emerge over time.
Cultural differences in family expectations can also create misunderstandings. In some cultures, close in-law relationships are expected, while others value greater independence. Understanding these potential differences can provide context for her responses.
Additionally, research indicates that the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship often experiences the most tension because of traditional gender roles in family maintenance. Recognizing these societal patterns can help you avoid taking the tension you are currently experiencing with your daughter-in-law personally.
We encourage you to give this relationship time to develop closeness by considering the following:
- Practice patience and consistent kindness without expectation of immediate reciprocation.
- Respect the boundaries of their new marriage.
- Avoid criticism or unsolicited advice.
- Create opportunities for connection without pressure.
- Pray for wisdom and healing in the relationship.
- Seek to understand potential cultural or family background differences.
- Focus on building trust gradually through respectful interactions.
Meaningful relationships often take years to develop. By maintaining a posture
of grace, respecting boundaries, and extending genuine warmth without demands, you create space for a healthier relationship to emerge over time.
Remember the apostle Paul’s guidance in Galatians 6:9: “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” You and your family will continue to be in our prayers.
*Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version.© 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. ESV Text Edition: 2016. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
