Why Did You Leave Me?

“So David went up by the Ascent of the Mount of Olives, and wept as he went up; and he had his head covered and went barefoot. And all the people who werewith him covered their heads and went up, weeping as they went up” (2 Sam. 15:30).

There is no pain quite like the pain of a wayward child.

David experienced it with Absalom. Second Samuel 15:30 paints a vivid picture of the wound caused by his relationship with his son. His appearance and demeanor reflected the deep anguish he felt because of Absalom’s poor choices and rebellious spirit.

If you have a child with a wandering heart, you can understand, at least in part, what David was feeling. To be a parent is to make a commitment to love children—even when they do not return that love.

This article contains both good news and difficult news. Which would you like first?

Let’s begin with the difficult news.

The difficult truth is this: Your attitudes and actions as a father or mother have a direct influence on your children’s faith.

Your children hear God through your tone of voice and see Him through your actions. That is why it is so important to understand that our role as parents can either fan the flame of faith or slowly extinguish it.

Two things can be true at the same time:

• Parents influence the spiritual lives of their children more than almost any other person or event.

• Children are ultimately responsible before God for their own decisions regarding faith.

Simply put, your influence impacts them, but it does not determine their future.

At the end of the day, every person must make his or her own decision about faith. The question is not who bears the final responsibility—that is clear. The real question is how easy or difficult we are making that decision for our children.

The Impact Is Real

According to The Great Dechurching,[*] people who stopped attending church responded to a question about the influence of their parents on that decision as follows:

• 32 percent — Not at all

• 34 percent — Somewhat

• 21 percent — Quite a bit

• 13 percent — A great deal

At least 68 percent of those who left church said there was at least a partial connection between their disengagement from church and their relationship with their parents.

The first step in solving a problem is acknowledging that it exists. The second, and equally important, step is developing a plan to address it. Regret alone does not help, and neither does blaming others.

There is no pain quite like the pain of a wayward child.

The ideas presented here are not based on speculation. I am not suggesting that every reason applies in every situation, nor am I denying that children who choose to walk away bear responsibility for their own decisions.

These, however, are some of the most common contributing factors.

1. An Overemphasis on the Culture War

Parents have both the responsibility and the privilege of teaching their children right from wrong. There is no question about that. The problem arises when our Christianity depends on an obsession with cultural enemies in order to keep young people in line.

Constant fear and fixation on conspiracy theories or whatever cultural trend we blame for the spiritual decline of young people have not proved effective in keeping this generation connected to the church.

Isn’t Jesus enough?

Christianity is more than conspiracy theories and cultural battles. It is a living reality centered on our Savior—the one who came, who intercedes for us, and who is coming again.

The best way to identify a counterfeit bill is not by obsessively studying every counterfeit version. Every counterfeit is different. Instead, experts carefully study the genuine article. When you know the real thing, you recognize the fake.

Could it be that this many in this generation are rejecting authentic Christianity because they have not properly been introduced to the real Christ?

2. A Lack of the Fruit of the Spirit at Home

Another reason many children struggle with faith is that they have been shown a distorted version of it.

A faith with a big mouth but invisible hands.

A faith that is talked about but not lived.

Children do not expect perfect parents. They do, however, expect consistent ones.

Disengagement often begins with cognitive dissonance—the gap between what is preached and what is practiced.

Parents who serve faithfully at church but refuse to serve their families at home.

Parents who speak about holiness but abuse their spouses.

Parents who are constantly angry, rarely show affection, endlessly criticize, publicly celebrate heaven, yet privately create a living hell.

More than perhaps any other issue, this is the doorway through which the enemy undermines the faith of our children.

3. Listen to Me

This is one of the most common complaints I hear.

The inability to listen destroys relationships.

Because many homes never develop healthy patterns of communication, parents often become authoritarian and controlling, creating environments in which children are expected to be seen but not heard.

Let me ask you a question: When was the last time you sat down with your child—not to give advice, but simply because you were genuinely interested in what they think?

How many young people serve on your church board or leadership teams?

When young people offer ideas, are those ideas truly considered, or are they usually modified, dismissed, or condemned?

To feel heard is to feel valued. And people who feel valued are far more likely to listen to those who value them.

Solutions

As you read these realities, anxiety may be gaining ground in your heart. What can be done? Is there hope?

1. Do Not Be Afraid

The first thing I want you to remember is that “Do not be afraid” appears many times in the Bible.

Any solutions we propose must be grounded in faith in a God who is more powerful than a thousand cultural trends, influencers, or celebrities.

God is not intimidated by the political climate of the moment.

Nor does He abandon us because of the mistakes we have made as parents.

Do not be afraid.

In other words: don’t panic.

2. Ask for Forgiveness

According to one study, fewer than 2 percent of children reported that their parents regularly asked for forgiveness when they were wrong.

This is something that can change.

Teach your younger children that when parents make mistakes, asking for forgiveness is the right thing to do.

They already know you were wrong.

Asking for forgiveness will not cause you to lose their respect.

With older children, sit down and ask what you did as a parent that caused them pain.

When they tell you, simply apologize.

Do not say:

• “I’m sorry, but you were difficult children.”

• “I’m sorry, but I didn’t know then what I know now.”

• “I’m sorry, but that’s how I was raised.”

Just apologize.

Sorry throws a wet blanket on the fire of rebellion.

This conversation needs to happen.

I do not know you personally, but I know this: Asking for forgiveness does not solve everything, yet very little healing can begin without it.

Set aside your pride and your insecurities, and just do it.

A helpful pattern may look like this:

1. Ask your children for a time to talk.

2. Choose a relaxed, low-stress environment.

3. Pray and fast before the conversation.

4. If the wounds are deep, consider involving a counselor.

5. Acknowledge specific mistakes you made, and ask for forgiveness. Then ask whether there are additional hurts they have carried in silence.

6. Listen with humility. Do not interrupt, attack, defend yourself, or justify your actions. Let them speak, even if some of what they say feels exaggerated.

7. If appropriate, close with prayer. If they decline, do not force it.

8. Thank them for the conversation and begin the process of healing.

9. Never say later, “I already apologized. Why are you bringing this up again?” Trauma rarely surfaces all at once. Healing moves at the pace of the wounded person, not the offender.

3. Ask God for Forgiveness and Receive His Grace

God is always willing to forgive your failures. Sometimes I find it easier to forgive others than to accept God’s forgiveness and forgive myself. Perhaps you are the same way.

The mistakes of parents often seem to cling to us. They leave a residue that feels impossible to wash away. But healing is possible, even if it takes time.

The first step in solving a problem is acknowledging that it exists.

Whenever memories return—what happened, what you did, and the pain your mistakes caused—return to Scripture, return to Jesus, and return to His forgiveness. He will never use your past to shame you. He will use His grace to heal you from it.

Final Thoughts

I hope one day to meet you and hear how God restored your kids. For that to happen, conversations need to happen so healing can begin.

Remember, a loving parent spends less time saying, “I told you so,” and more time saying, “I love you so.”

Always remember:

Your heavenly Father loves you, Dad.

Your heavenly Father loves you, Mom.

Take courage.

Carrying the weight of guilt over past mistakes will not help you today, and it certainly will not help you tomorrow.

Ask for forgiveness.

Receive forgiveness.

And forgive.

[*] Jim Davis, Michael Graham, and Ryan P. Burge, The Great Dechurching: Who’s Leaving, Why Are They Going, and What Will It Take to Bring Them Back? (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan Reflective, 2023).