Q. I’ve been married for a few months to a wonderful God-fearing woman who has two wonderful children. My first marriage ended in divorce, and, looking back, I realize a big part of it was because I didn’t fully understand how much I needed help to deal with my childhood trauma. Thankfully, I was helped through therapy and spiritual discipleship, which I will continue for a long time. Because I know firsthand how damaging a toxic family environment can be—not just to a marriage but especially to children—I really want to do things right this time. I’d really appreciate your thoughts on what I should be mindful of to give my second marriage the best chance of thriving and to make sure I don’t end up hurting my wife or children.
A. Blended families—which we prefer to call “blending families”—are households created when parents remarry, presenting unique challenges and opportunities for everyone involved. Of course, these family units navigate complicated emotional ground while building new bonds and maintaining existing ones.
The Bible offers guidance for blending family dynamics, while not explicitly addressing modern stepfamily arrangements. Ruth’s narrative exemplifies successful family blending when she declares to her mother-in-law Naomi, “Your people shall be my people” (Ruth 1:16).[1] This commitment to new family identity illustrates the biblical principle of covenant relationships extending beyond blood ties. Ephesians 6:4 instructs parents, “Do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” In blending families, this requires particular sensitivity to each child’s emotional needs and history.
Blending families face distinct adjustment phases. Children may experience loyalty conflicts, attachment challenges, and grief over losing their original family structure. Research indicates successful blending typically takes two to five years, requiring patience as family members navigate identity reconstruction. Family systems theory suggests blending families must establish new boundaries, rituals, and roles while honoring existing ones. This balancing act demands emotional intelligence and adaptability from all members, especially parents. And, in a special way, abundant patience and the grace of God.
Your family can create resilient bonds that honor both their complex histories and hopeful futures.
To be sure, blending families reflect broader shifts in family structure, as the faster pace of the twenty-first century, with greater urbanization and technological interference, makes marriage and family relationships more fragile and unstable. While increasingly common, they still face institutional biases designed for nuclear families. Also, social stigma can often complicate identity formation, placing added pressure on these very delicate family relationships.
Though not directly addressing stepfamilies, Ellen White emphasized principles applicable to blended family dynamics. Highlighting the importance of intentional relationship building, she wrote that “love cannot long exist without expression.”[2] White advocated patience in family relationships, noting that the “home should be a place where cheerfulness, courtesy, and love abide.”[3] Her emphasis on spiritual unity provides blending families a foundation beyond biological connection.
Since in blending families children should be the central focus of care, effective coparenting requires:
- Consistent communication between parents.
- United disciplinary approaches while acknowledging different parenting styles.
- Keeping adult conflicts separate from parenting decisions.
- Focusing on children’s needs rather than parental ego.
With patience, kindness, and trusting God to give you a spirit of love and
gentleness, your family can create resilient bonds that honor both their complex histories and hopeful futures, trusting in the promise of God to supply all your needs (Phil. 4:19). You are in our prayers.
Bible references are from the New King James Version.
[1] Bible texts are from the New King James Version.
[2] Ellen G. White, The Adventist Home (Nashville: Southern Pub. Assn., 1952), p. 107.
[3] Ellen G. White, The Ministry of Healing (Mountain View, Calif.: Pacific Press Pub. Assn., 1905), p. 393.
