Lavished With Grace

Conflict seems an inevitable reality when parenting. Conflict between me and one of my children. Conflict between the two children. Conflict between one or both children and another child. I find myself, more often than I would like, sitting in my bathroom, head in my hands, fingers gripping my hair, trying to decide whether to scream or cry. In such moments my prayers are not profound. They are offered up piecemeal: “Help!” “Why me?” and “God, what now?” As a parent, what I really want is wisdom and perseverance—the wisdom to know how to articulate the issue to my children or apologize if I am wrong, and the perseverance to hold the line and continue discipling them.

Looking for Wisdom and Assurance

There is no book in the Bible dedicated solely to parenting young children. Not even Proverbs—full of such addresses as “My son, do not forget my teaching”—touches on all the issues, although it contains the most directly relevant material. And for all its merits, Proverbs is not what I would call a “comforting” book. Full of wisdom, yes, but personally, it’s not the first book I read when locked in a battle of wills with a 7-year-old. So where can I turn for comfort and hope when I am in the thick of it?

I know that I am looking for something specific to meet a spiritual need. I don’t open my Bible randomly. I’m not looking for a narrative account of a disobedient child or a conflict between parents and children—those are often between adult children and parents and sometimes end badly. What I need is assurance, not that I am right in my parenting style, but in my worth and my children’s worth in the eyes of God.

I don’t think it is cherry-picking to go to a specific author or book of the Bible based on your situation or even your mood. Of course, we should all read every book in the Bible. There is wisdom to be gleaned from every book, even on parenting young children. But sometimes one biblical author communicates in a way that feels like a salve on an open wound. Since all Scripture is inspired and profitable for teaching, I lean into this when the need arises. For me, that author is Paul.

Paul and a Word for Parents

Ephesians 1. Not the parenting manual you might expect, but there is hidden fruit here that gives hope to my often-panicking mother’s heart. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him” (Eph. 1:3, 4, ESV). As a believer, I claim the promise that He has blessed me with every spiritual blessing. And if I believe that for myself, why shouldn’t I believe that for my children also? He chose us, which includes my children. That we should be holy and blameless. Well, that part is a work in progress. But when we accept His forgiveness, we become holy and blameless in His sight. That extends to my children, too.

“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth” (verses 7-10, ESV). Singing songs about redemption took on new meaning after the birth of my children. It wasn’t just me that Jesus died for. He died for them, too. And that seemed infinitely more important. Of course I want to spend eternity with Jesus. But my children, my babies—my longing for their salvation is intense.

My son, at the age of 3, began asking questions about Jesus and why He had to die. He did not understand what sin was or why sin caused death. He did not yet know that his urge to destroy things—a developmentally normal part of being a 3-year-old—could become a habit if left unchecked and could result in real harm to the creatures and people around him. He did not know that he had inherited a sinful nature. But he did grasp that whatever it was Jesus did on the cross, He did it for him: for John Edmund James Burton.

When I am reminded that God’s wisdom is available for the asking and that there is hope, even hope I have been called to, a weight lifts off my soul.

To unite all things in Him. Sometimes I just want us to all get along, to stop arguing, and to agree. Usually that means I want them to agree with me and, as the parent, I’m usually right. But there is Someone greater who unites our family. It isn’t up to me or my expectations of how our family should behave; it is Jesus who unites us. Paul is speaking cosmically here, but the cosmic includes my family. We are part of the people on earth, members of the body of Christ, and the unity He promises is not just between church members—it is between family members also. It is between my children and between my children and me.

“I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you” (verses 16-18, ESV). Paul is writing to the Ephesians about what he has heard about their faith, and promises that he is praying for them. He then tells the Ephesians what he is praying: that Jesus will grant them “the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him” and that they will see with their hearts “the hope to which he has called” them.

If Paul can pray this for the Ephesians, I can pray this for myself and my children. I can ask for wisdom, for knowledge, and for heart-sight to see the hope He has called us to. I do not have to do this alone. The God who made my children, who knows them better than I do, who knows their hearts, their quirks, their tendencies, their gifts—He can give me wisdom to love and disciple them well.

Does this mean I shouldn’t educate myself by reading parenting books? Absolutely not. God gives me wisdom, and that wisdom tells me I need to learn all I can about the most effective and beneficial ways to communicate with my children in ways that are tailored to their individual needs. God has also given His wisdom to other parents, child-behavior specialists, and therapists I can learn from.

Recipients of Grace, Called to Hope

When I am reminded that God’s wisdom is available for the asking and that there is hope, even hope I have been called to, a weight lifts off my soul. The gospel is for me. It is also for my children. The Man on the cross who redeemed me redeemed them, too.

I do the hard work of discipling them—disciplining them for harmful behaviors, talking through conflict, answering questions, trivial and cosmic in proportion. But I do this in a framework that actively acknowledges and requests God’s wisdom, knowledge, and faith in the hope He calls me to. This framework also acknowledges that my children are recipients of the same grace I have been given and are therefore of the same infinite value to God. They have been lavished with the riches of His grace. As whole human beings, they are worthy of my respect.

There is hope beyond the tantrums, the whining, the arguments, the howls of frustration. I see it when my daughter offers my son a treat from her special dessert box. I see it when my son lets my daughter push the button to close our van’s electric door. I see it when they curl up together in my lap in the morning, when they stand up for each other against bullying behavior, when they take flowers to an elderly neighbor, and when they ask questions about Jesus and the resurrection and what heaven will be like. And even when I don’t see it, I know it’s there. I see it with God-gifted eyes of hope.