Dealing With EGRs?

“Pastor, please pray for me!”

When Ashley, a twentysomething newly married woman, asked for prayers, my pastor/counselor instincts took over.

“Of course I’ll pray for you. Is there any particular issue you want me to pray about?”

“My family is coming to visit us for a few days, and they are all EGRs!”

I hesitated as I tried to figure out what an EGR might be, but eventually gave up.

“What’s an EGR?”

In her best Texas drawl she replied, “Extra Grace Required!”

EGRs manifest themselves as manipulators, critics, family martyrs, narcissists, or energy vampires who drain you emotionally. Their behaviors include constant criticism, lack of boundaries, and emotional or physical abuse. They can be argumentative, accusatory, judgmental, angry, passive-aggressive, demanding, controlling, and more. Does this sound like someone you know? If so, you know an EGR.

We all require a measure of grace to live as members of a family. None of us is perfect. Giving and receiving grace is a constant and essential part of achieving familial harmony. But there are those in each family who require something extra to survive even short visits.

My young parishioner, Ashley, had seen the ugliness of past family visits. She was desperate for a plan that might help her husband and her survive the visit. While I could not offer a guaranteed “fix” for her problem, I did suggest a few strategies to help make the visit less painful.

EGRs manifest themselves as manipulators, critics, family martyrs, narcissists, or energy vampires who drain you emotionally.

It is essential to have a plan in place. Never knowingly walk into a visit with dysfunctional people without a course of action. Without a strategy in mind, your responses to each negative behavior will likely be emotionally charged and exacerbate the situation. It is better to rehearse your responses in advance of the visit. Having a plan provides the best opportunity for a positive experience.

Any plan will require a combination of prayer, patience, forgiveness, and setting healthy boundaries. And remember that while we are called to love and forgive, we are not obligated to tolerate harmful behavior.

Here are some thoughts to guide your planned course of action.

Prayer and Spiritual Preparation

Start by praying for yourself. Your family might see you as an EGR! As unlikely as this might seem to you, it nevertheless remains a possibility. Ask God to reveal your flaws to you. Acknowledge any part you have played in past conflicts. While your behavior may have been provoked, provocation does not justify bad behavior. Pray for healthier ways to handle conflict.

Ask God to soften your heart, and replace anger and irritation with love and compassion. Pray for the ability to discern when tensions are starting to rise, and ask for the wisdom and strength to respond with grace.

In advance of the visit, pray that the hearts of your family will be opened to God’s love. Request that they receive healing from past hurts so that reconciliation can be possible.

Respond With Grace

This may sound easy, but I assure you, it is not! It will be impossible to respond in grace if we have not received the grace of God for our own lives. Once received, we respond in grace only as we become like the Grace Giver Himself!

If you struggle with forgiveness and grace, as most of us do, meditating on scriptural passages that offer guidance on love, forgiveness, and conflict resolution will be a tremendous source of help. Begin with such passages as 1 John 4:7; Matthew 6:14, 15; 18:15-22; and Galatians 5:19-26. Read the Gospel stories and witness the compassion and grace in Jesus’ interactions with people. Meditate on His life, and His Spirit will help you become like Jesus.

Communicate With Love and Respect

Most of us fall into negative patterns of communication without realizing it. This is doubly true when communicating with people who irritate us. Learning to communicate in less-threatening ways can be of value.

When addressing an issue, learn to use “I” statements. Using “I feel” statements to express your feelings rather than blaming others can feel less like an attack. Say, “I feel hurt when you say that,” rather than “You always make me feel angry.”

Listening is an often-overlooked component of communication. Try listening to more than just the words. Listen for the emotions behind the words. The “presenting problem” is rarely the real issue. Listen for “hidden issues,” such as feelings of rejection, abandonment, disrespect, and fear. Try to employ compassion. Understand their point of view, even if you disagree.

Boundaries

Being compassionate does not mean that you must be a doormat. Every healthy relationship has clear boundaries. Decide on healthy limits of what you will and will not tolerate before your visit begins. Respectfully communicate your boundaries when things start to escalate.

Listening is an often-overlooked component of communication.

Change does not happen immediately or without persistence. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t see immediate results.

Forgive and Move Forward

Forgive as Christ forgave you, but don’t feel obligated to accept or tolerate ongoing toxic behavior. Ending the visit early may be a healthier choice. You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can control your response. 

If the situation causes you significant emotional distress, consider seeking the services of a Christian counselor. There should be no shame in seeking competent professional help for struggles with relationships.

You may also find strength in turning to Christian friends for support and encouragement. Paul’s instruction to “bear one another’s burdens” is relevant today!

Remember the Bigger Picture

The gospel is essential to relationships. Keep the gospel message in mind with every interaction. The “love of Christ” is to “constrain” us (see 2 Cor. 5:14, KJV). As we demonstrate His love in our interactions with difficult people, we grow in His likeness.

Ashley’s Report

A couple of weeks after our first conversation, Ashley came to see me. “Thanks for the prayers,” she said.

“How did the visit go?”

“Not perfect, but a lot better than expected.”

There are no guarantees for successful encounters with EGRs, but thoughtful, prayerful planning will give the best chance for success. Some people are too broken for any approach to help. Even so, it is always best for you to persistently pursue healthy attitudes and behaviors.