As I write, Christmas is 100 days away. Here’s a glimpse into a conversation that my husband and I repeat every other year.
Me: “Honey, what if we went to a restaurant for Christmas? This year it’s your family’s turn, and I’m not sure I can handle it. I just don’t want to spend my holiday listening to your uncle Ned.”
Husband: “Uncle Ned’s a good guy. I know he can be annoying sometimes, but give it time. He grows on you.”
Me: “I’ve given it time. Have you forgotten it’s an election year? Doesn’t matter who wins, we’ll be ‘educated’ on why his candidate won (or didn’t). And if not the election, it’ll be sports. Or gardening or cooking or any other topic. He’s the expert in everything. He’s just hard to take.”
***
Ever have an Uncle Ned in your life? Some of us may be blessed with multiple family members who make any family gathering one we’d just as soon miss. For me, it wasn’t just Uncle Ned. My sister-in-law is always stuck on her phone instead of helping with the food. My nephews are terrors that can wreck a house in five minutes all while their parents (and grandparents) talk about how wonderful they are. And my mother-in-law talks on anything without taking a breath—a full stream of consciousness. Lest one thinks I’m the problem, holidays can also be challenging in my family, too, although I’m fairly certain my husband’s family has more than their share.
I recently discovered an apt description for these wonderful family members—extra grace required (EGR). Not limited only to family members, these individuals are exactly what the name implies. They require a bit (maybe a lot) of extra kindness and understanding. Now, before we begin to label and excuse everyone as an EGR, we should first remember these points.
■ Some people who demand extra grace also may need professional help. Don’t overlook a serious problem by calling it EGR. Get your pastor or a professional counselor involved if an EGR may need professional assistance.
■ Be careful how the EGR label is used. It may be judgmental. If we consider human-to-human grace, there’s no room to boast. We could be someone else’s EGR person.
■ Keep in mind that when the term “extra grace required” is used, we’re speaking of human-to-human grace. Only God, through Jesus, can offer the gift of grace that brings eternal life. This kind of extraordinary grace is His alone.
Extending grace to others does not mean that we approve of the annoying behavior or that we must be resigned to never-ending tolerance.
So now I’ve found a label for those family members that I may wish to avoid. While it might give a reason for their behavior, how do I control my irritation when my sister complains repeatedly about her weight during holiday gatherings when she’s skinny as a rail and, well, I’ve been battling the same 15 pounds for years and am twice her size? Since I’m guessing that at least some readers can relate, here are some thoughts to consider.
Attitude. Consider that God’s plan for our lives includes the family into which we were born and the one we connected with through marriage. If we recognize that God can work through us to reach others, we can then realize that our thoughts and actions have significance. Let the grace that God has given become the model for our attitude toward those in our everyday world.
Admit. An EGR person can absorb too much of our focus. We may be the one who benefits most when we learn to extend extra grace. In fact, in a typical EGR situation, God may want to work more on our hearts than theirs. Many if not most EGR people will never know that their constant complaining is irritating or their endless talking and opinions are annoying. Silently gift them the kind of grace “that is a nearly invisible act of compassion and requires no reciprocity.”1
Ask. As we look forward to these holiday get-togethers, ask for God’s guidance and grace. When we remember God’s call to love one another, we understand that our role is to be responsive. Specifically, pray to be able to see others as Jesus sees them, as well as to find ways to show love and patience.
Acknowledge and Accept. Extending grace to others does not mean that we approve of the annoying behavior or that we must be resigned to never-ending tolerance. Determine to accept the EGR situation. God can work in redemptive ways of which we are totally unaware.
Act. Set boundaries or limits when appropriate. Be proactive when it makes sense. Knowing Uncle Ned is likely to talk about politics at the family gathering, the host can declare the occasion a “no politics zone.” Perhaps a few games to entertain the children would help with their behavior. Acknowledge the ever-dieting individual with a plate of healthy snacks. If hosting, assign tasks to family members to help with the meal. And if not hosting, perhaps decide ahead of time a good time to leave the festivities.
Allow. Just as God gave Jesus before we knew of our need for Him, so we have the opportunity to share forgiveness with people who probably have no idea that they are bothering us. Let’s allow God’s forgiveness to flow through us. “The simple act of letting go of slights, seeing the best in others, and recognizing the invisible generosity of our friends, family, colleagues, and strangers leads to a sense of mental well-being that spreads like a ripple of water. It takes work, and it’s not easy, but having a mindset that seeks to find the good in others tends to make us happier, strengthens our social bonds, and leads to better mental health.”2
Be Amazed. Chances are I may never know how God changed Ned. I will only know that either I changed in my view towards him, or God worked on the heart of Ned. Remember ”Our heavenly Father has a thousand ways to provide for us of which we know nothing.”3 For me, I believe I can extend this to mean an unlimited number of ways for God to answer my prayers. Maybe the change in our hearts and behavior toward family members such as those like Ned is the spark God needs to ignite a new attitude in Ned. Stand back. Let God do His work.
By now we may realize that offering extra grace is mostly about us. God, it seems, rarely asks us to change others. He’s looking for chances to help us grow and become all that we were created to be. Offering extra grace, grace beyond our human ability to produce, is one of the many ways God uses to gift His love to a desperate world.
I’m convinced. I’ve decided to volunteer hosting my husband’s family for Christmas this year, including all the EGRs. I might even invite a few EGR friends. I’m already planning how to make everyone comfortable. I’m anticipating some of the things that might happen and communicating things ahead of time. I’ll be sure to alert people to the “no politics zone.” I’ve gone to the basement and found some games and puzzles. And I’m already making a list of compliments for my sister.
But more important, I’m spending the next 100 days working on me with God’s help. I’m praying daily for my family members as well as for my own attitude. I’m already practicing on others who might be within my sphere of influence at work or church. But most important, I’m getting excited for the holidays. I can’t wait to be amazed to see how God works not only on others but on me.
In fact, I’m ready to coin a new label—changing “extra grace required” to “extraordinary grace revealed.” Interested in joining me? It’s never too late to become more of what Jesus wants us to be.
1 https://wellbeing.uiowa.edu/news/2023/04/profound-importance-
nearly-invisible-act, accessed September 18, 2024.
2 Ibid.
3 Ellen G. White, The Ministry of Healing (Mountain View, Calif.: Pacific Press Pub. Assn., 1905), p. 481.
