‘We Need To Support Parents Whose Children Have Left the Church’

“People leave the church from the best families, so let’s not judge or condemn anyone if their child leaves the church,” Anthony Kent, associate ministerial secretary of the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists, said as he spoke during the first Inter-American Division (IAD) ministerial retreat held in Cancún, Mexico, September 2-4.

“We need to support parents whose children have left the church,” he said. It’s about praying for them and encouraging them, not criticizing or condemning.

Kent told the story of Ellen G. White, one of the co-founders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, writing letters to her son Edson, who would burn the letters. “She [Ellen] was close to her son’s wife and prayed with her, and eventually, after decades of being out of the church, Edson returned to the church.”

Why Children Leave the Church

Why do children leave the church? he asked. There are several reasons. The General Conference has done several surveys, and the number one reason is conflict, Kent said. “People see conflict, and people don’t want to get into a war when they go to church. They want to go to a peaceful place,” he explained.

Another reason people leave church is the perceived hypocrisy in the church, he said.

“Something very significant happening with the younger generation, particularly in the Western world, is that for thousands of years the world has believed that certain things are wrong and sinful, and just in the last few years all of this has reversed,” Kent said.

For example, the church has believed, and the world largely believed, that homosexuality is sinful. And now the Western world believes that Christians are sinners and homosexuals are pure, and this has completely changed the thinking of the younger generation, he said. “So our children have gotten different values, different principles, different beliefs. These are big differences in the church.”

Another issue that leads people to leave the church is the moment young people leave home and start their independence. “In some parts of the world, as many as 70 percent of our children leave the church at this time,” Kent said as he referenced a recent survey done in the North American Division.

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Hundreds of women attended Anthony Kent’s seminar on “Ministering to Children outside the Church” in Cancún, Mexico, on September 3. [Photo: Daniel Gallardo/IAD]

Many pastors’ wives reported that they have seen a rise in the children of leaders and members leaving the church. [Photo: Daniel Gallardo/IAD]

Lady Julissa Oviedo, women’s ministries and children’s and adolescent ministries director in the South Pacific Mission in South Colombia Union, takes notes during Anthony Kent’s message. She says the church needs to do more to support families who are dealing with children who have left the church. [Photo: Daniel Gallardo/IAD]

Shelwin Willems and his wife, Indra. Willems, pastor of three congregations in Curaçao, expressed the desire to continue finding better ways to connect with young people to bring them back to church. [Photo: Daniel Gallardo/IAD]

Healthy Responses to Prodigal Children

One thing is for sure, he said. “Each child is unique, and each child is precious, and Jesus has died for each child. We need to do all that we can so that each child knows that they are loved by Jesus Christ.”

Kent drew attention to unhealthy responses to someone who leaves church, which includes expressing anger. Pastors may get angry with their children when they leave the church because of the stigma and the shame of this happening.

A good reaction would be to look at the story of the prodigal son, Kent said. “The father was hurt but was never upset. The older brother was angry, but the father was always loving. This is the model,” he said.

Forcing or shunning and isolating is not a good response, he said.

Kent shared healthy responses to use when an adult child is disconnected from the church, including expressing and demonstrating love for them, praying for them “until your knees can’t take it anymore,” and asking others to pray for them. He also suggested staying connected while maintaining regular and frequent communication, pleading with others to connect with them, such as friends from church, and looking for every opportunity to be with them, to visit them. Finally, Kent called on parents to keep the “Welcome Mat” out, keep the mouth shut, let them go, give them space, and only give guidance when asked.

Two important questions to ask children include, “How can I be a good parent to you now?” and “Help me to understand the things I need to apologize for.”

“It’s a painful conversation,” Kent said. “As a father and pastor, it’s important to ask those questions. Listen to their words, to their heart, what their body language is, and never give up hope that Jesus will save your children. Pray without stopping, and believe,” he said.

As the seminar ended, Kent led a special prayer for the hundreds of pastors’ wives in attendance.

Urgent Need for Conversations

Lady Julissa Oviedo, who is women’s ministries and children’s and adolescent ministries director at the South Pacific Mission, in the South Colombia Union, said she took notes during Kent’s seminar presentation.

“We have an urgent need to talk more about this in our churches, because more and more parents who are leaders in our churches have children who are leaving the church,” Oviedo said. It’s clear that the mentality that adults and children have today is more liberal, she said. “As church leaders, we need to address and deepen this subject at our churches, share more how much love we need to have with our young people,” Oviedo said. The presentation tugged at her heart and reminded her of how carefully and prayerfully she needs to keep clear communication when reaching her youngest son, who went astray, she said. “It’s about showing them love always,” she said.

The shifts in generations have been very visible for Shelwin Willems, who is a pastor of three churches in Curaçao and who will retire this month with 41 years of service. “We need to continue to work hard at better connecting with our young people in this generation who are living in this digital world, and reach them just as Jesus reached people with love, with care, with many prayers,” Willems said. Willems, who did his doctoral thesis at Montemorelos University on the relationship between children and their commitment to the church, said if parents had better relationships with their adult children, they would think twice before going astray from the principles they were taught.

“We need to come together as a church to keep supporting parents and reaching so many of our young people who have left,” he added. “Our younger pastors, who are more in tune to the newer generation, are essential in helping bring young people closer to the feet of Jesus,” Willems said.

The original version of this story was posted on the Inter-American Division news site.