Friendship Fuel

Ten—that was my goal.

I had just become a Seventh-day Adventist the year before when I was asked to join the team of a well-known evangelist for my very first evangelistic series. My prayer was simple: at least 10 people from the community, personally invited by me, would attend.

Two months in advance we began knocking on doors and inviting people. By the time the series began, I was studying the Bible with more than13 individuals and following up with more than 30 others. In my mind, everything was perfectly on track.

When opening night came,12 people I had personally invited walked through the doors. I was over the moon. The monthlong series was powerful, and I felt certain God was doing something incredible.

At the end of the seminar many were baptized, and once the evangelist left, we began the follow-up plan. This plan included continued weekly Bible studies and a new believers Sabbath School class. The lasting results? As sobering as this is to share, six months later each of the 12 had quietly slipped away; by the one-year mark, none of those baptized remained in the church.

What had gone wrong? Does this sound familiar?

I could not understand it. I felt defeated. After all, the preaching was strong, the message was solid, and $20,000 had been invested in the campaign. Yet the outcome was devastating. This is not to discredit the method of using an evangelistic series—they have a place and a purpose—but something essential had been missing. Something had gone devastatingly wrong.

The truth is that this happens far too often. People come, they’re baptized, and within a year they’re gone.

In their book What Every Pastor Should Know, Gary McIntosh and Charles Arn highlight two striking statistics:

1. Eighty-two percent of new church members leave within the first year.

2. Most leave either around the six-month or 12-month mark.[1]

Simply put, if a new member makes it through the six-month mark, they usually stay for one year. Then, whether consciously or subconsciously, there is a reassessment on whether they will remain in their current congregation at the one-year mark. If they make it past the first year, they are usually in it for the long haul.

The number-one question these new members ask themselves after six and 12 months is: “Have I made friends in this church?” The answer to this largely determined whether they stayed. The study further revealed that new members who develop about seven friendships during their first six months are much more likely to stay in the church, whereas those who form fewer than two friendships often leave.[2]

Adventist researcher Monte Sahlin echoed this reality, writing: “Three out of four [church members] leave for reasons having to do with their relationships with people . . . , while less than one in five leave because they no longer believe in some teaching of the church.”[3]

The problem, then, is not weak preaching or unclear doctrine. It is a lack of genuine friendship and community.

The problem is not weak preaching or unclear doctrine. It is a lack of genuine friendship and community.

And that was the missing piece in my first evangelistic experience. The three angels’ messages being preached at that seminar were strong—they are strong. The relational community needed to sustain new believers, however, was simply not there. In other words, there had been no true friendships formed. They had no community in the church they found truth in.

Starting Again

Fast-forward three years later: I was helping establish a church plant as a church plant leader, alongside a team. The memory of that first series weighed heavily on me, and my mind was made up to do things differently. With determination in our hearts we set to work. We prayed, we worked. We worked, we prayed. But what would we do differently?

What God impressed on our hearts came straight from Acts 2:

“So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved” (verses 46, 47).

It seems the early church grew in a sort of sequence, and then pressed repeat, until the gospel had spread to the world:

1. The Holy Spirit was poured out (Acts 2:1-13).

2. The Word was preached (verses 14-36).

3. People responded in repentance and baptism (verses 37-41).

4. Disciples formed a Christ-centered community (verses 42-47).

5. The church experienced daily growth (verse 47).

We’ve seen the Spirit poured out. We’ve seen the Word faithfully preached. We’ve seen baptisms. What is often overlooked, however, is step 4: an authentic community.

Not just Sabbath morning fellowship. Not just a handshake at the door. Real, consistent, nurturing community—woven into daily life. This requires time, sacrifice, and a major adjustment of our everyday lives.

Church was never supposed to be something we “fit in” around our schedules. It is the foundation we are to build everything else around. That is how seriously we must take the Great Commission (Matt. 28:18-20) and the spreading of the everlasting gospel.

But without genuine friend-making through discipleship and community, the cycle breaks—and growth stalls. Remove “step 4” from the above sequence, and, logically, it follows that we will see a plateau in growth at the local church level.

The Power of Friendship

Sociologists have found it takes about 50 hours to move from acquaintance to “casual friend,” and more than 200 hours to become “close friends.”[4] Pew Research did a recent study that shared, “One third of U.S. adults say they attend religious services in person at least once a month, including 25 percent who report going at least once a week.”[5]  So, being generous, if the average church service lasts one and a half to two hours, then attending every week adds up to about eight hours a month. At that rate, it would take more than two years to develop one close friendship.

This gives at least one major and solid explanation as to why so many churches plateau or even decline in growth.

As one theologian put it: “One sad aspect of modern life . . . is we tend to think of church as a single event each week, rather than an all-week, all-of-life reality. If we are in Christ, we are members of His body 24/7/365.”[6]

Church was never supposed to be something we ‘fit in’ around our schedules. It is the foundation we are to build everything else around.

Stories of Community

When our church plant began, we shifted our focus to the Acts sequence we had observed. Instead of rushing people toward baptism, we prioritized small groups and friendship. This was not an easy shift. I attest to this. But we built a community first—and baptisms naturally followed. Some after six months, some after three years, and some not yet to this day. But whether baptized or not, they remain our friends, because we decided we had to be in it for the long haul.

Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” (John 15:13). Jesus is our greatest example of what genuine friendship looks like. He modeled it through sacrifice, genuine commitment, and love, and this became the hallmark of the church plant.

The following are a few testimonies:

Jim’s story: We met at a cooking school; he continued to come to anything we invited him to. Later he shared that he had questions about the Bible, and we began studying. He came to everything we offered: small groups, church outings, church services, and even our outreach events. Jim became an active part of our community. He became our friend, and we became his friend. Jim, to this day, has not been baptized, but continues to learn. His story is not over.

Julie’s story: A coworker introduced me to her family. We studied the Bible together, yes—but we also hiked, shared meals, and lived life side by side. Within six months Julie, her husband, and their daughter were baptized. Ten years later they are still active church members.

Rini’s story: When we first met, she invited me to her home. She loved to cook, and over time we became close—studying, shopping, sharing meals, and attending small groups together. Before her baptism she found a family. In that family she found Jesus. Over time her fear and anxiety melted away. Three years later she was baptized and remains faithful to this day.

From the Inside Out

These stories were not the result of clever strategies or polished methods. It was like working from the inside out instead of the outside in. These stories are the fruit of love, friendship, and community—Jesus working through relationships. Ellen White summarized it beautifully: “Better than all the friendship of the world is the friendship of Christ’s redeemed.”[7]

It is not about abandoning age-old, time-tested methods such as the evangelistic series, health fairs, or cooking schools, but about nestling them inside a genuine, Christ-centered community, fueled by consistent connection and genuine relationship. This is where enduring results begin to happen.

So if you are looking to make a lasting impact in your community, the path is simple.

Pray for the power of the Holy Spirit.
And then—make a friend. A close friend. Then press “repeat.”

[1] G. L. McIntosh and C. Arn, What Every Pastor Should Know: 101 Indispensable Rules of Thumb for Leading Your Church (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Books, 2013).

[2] Ibid.

[3] Monte Sahlin, Why Do Adventists Quit Coming to Church? (Lincoln, Nebr.: Center for Creative Ministry, 1998).

[4] http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407518761225 5

[5] Pew Research Center, “Religious Attendance and Congregational Involvement,” Feb. 26, 2025, https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2025/02/26/religious-attendance-and-congregational-involvement/

[6] D. Mathis, “Two Truths About the One Percent: How Important Is Corporate Worship?” Desiring God, Nov. 3, 2021, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/two-truths-about-the-one-percent

[7] Ellen G. White, Christ’s Object Lessons (Washington, D.C.: Review and Herald Pub. Assn., 1900, 1941), p. 374.