One of the more fascinating personalities in United States history is a man by the name of William Seward. He was the former governor of New York, a United States senator, and the U.S. secretary of state under Abraham Lincoln—to whom he lost in the Republican primaries in 1860. A very influential and charismatic figure, Seward was one of the foremost leaders in the fight against slavery.
In spite of all his great qualities and the wonderful things he did as a politician and human being, however, Seward had a fairly glaring fault. His wife, Frances, was quite often neglected, especially early on in his political career. Sad to say, she was not a very high priority for him. As an extremely ambitious man, he allowed his passion for success to overshadow any passion he had for his wife.
The challenges in their marriage culminated when one of Seward’s political colleagues strongly “came on” to his wife. The two became very close, and it was apparent that they had a very involved emotional relationship. When Seward’s wife finally realized just how quickly things were progressing, she admitted everything to her husband and assured him that she had not given herself to the colleague.
In response, Seward promised his wife that he would talk to the colleague about his intentions with Frances—telling him to cease and desist—but Seward never got around to it. He did not want to alienate his colleague, whose influence would surely further Seward’s political career. Instead of making good on his pledge to confront the man on behalf of his wife, Seward chose not to jeopardize his political career.
Seward lost an election a few months later. His world came crashing down, and he realized that he had neglected his duties to wife and family. In deep consternation, he wrote a repentant letter to Frances—since he was on the other side of New York at the time—begging for her forgiveness. He had allowed his ambitions, his dreams, his selfish goals, to crowd out the most prized possession he had: his wife.
Seward nervously awaited her written response. After a few weeks, he received word from her. She assured him that she never thought anything of him except that he was “good and kind.” And then she quoted a piece of literature from her time that has certainly enlightened my own eyes: “Love is the whole history of woman,” she related, “and but an episode in the life of man.”1
As cynical as it may sound, there is alarming truth in those words. Far too often it’s been the case that just as a woman’s heart is getting more deeply attached to a man, it seems that the man’s heart finds itself moving on to the next catch, the next prize, the next goal to be conquered. Recognizing this age-old dilemma, the Bible addresses the challenge head-on in a passage that may surprise us.
Real Message
There’s a text in the New Testament that has been used many times in favor of various agendas. In fact, it often finds itself in the middle of heated debates on women in ministry. It seems as though we have, to a large degree, missed the point of one of the apostle Paul’s monumental treatises on male-female relations. “Wives,” he writes in Ephesians 5:22, “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”2
This single verse has been the cause of grave misunderstandings throughout the history of Christianity. A shallow reading of this passage has resulted in some terribly misled and misdirected behavior. There have been many men who’ve used this passage to demand unloving submission from their wives, or to insist that women are the inferior gender. Others use it as proof that women should not be either ministering or ordained.
While I am not advocating the idea that men and women don’t enjoy different roles in God’s ultimate design for marriage, I have to be honest. Such a use of this passage is a gross abuse of what Paul is trying to address. If this is what we focus on in the passage, we have missed the very heart—and intent—of what Paul is trying to bring out.3
The real message Paul is focusing on comes a few verses later. Notice what he unequivocally says in verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives.” It doesn’t get any clearer than that! Paul doesn’t mince any words. He says, point-blank: “Husbands, love your wives.” This is a nonnegotiable command. Indeed, the word “love,” which in the Greek is agape, is in the imperative form. There are no questions asked. He can’t say it any more plainly.
I love how Eugene Peterson, in his Bible paraphrase The Message, translates this passage into our modern vernacular: “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives.”4
And it’s kind of a no-brainer. But we often forget, don’t we?
As I’ve reflected on the relationship between a man and a woman, I’ve come to a very interesting conclusion—and I believe that Paul, in this passage, confirms it. Stated simply, it’s the man’s duty to take the initiative in the relationship and draw out a response from his wife. A woman’s affections toward her husband need to be drawn out by the man’s initiative.
I believe that God designed men to be initiators, and women to be responders. I cannot expect my wife to be loving toward me if I am not loving toward her. I’ve seen this again and again in my relationship with my own wife, Camille. Truthfully, when I am really affectionate and loving toward Camille, her natural response is to return in kind.
And, interestingly, based on this passage, Paul seems to be saying just that. Notice what John E. Toews writes about this passage: “It is important to note that Paul directs commands only to the husband, not to the wife. The only true commands appear in vv. 25 and 33; the husband is commanded to love the wife. The wife is not commanded to submit to the husband; she is invited to do so.”5
Did you catch that? Nowhere in this long passage does Paul ever command women to do anything—which was quite radical in his day. Indeed, there are only two imperative commands in this whole passage—from verse 22 to verse 33—and both of the commands are directed toward the husband. What are the two commands? “Husbands, love your wives.”
Some have taken verse 22 and insisted that women are commanded to “submit” to their husbands. But Paul makes no such imperative command, and, in fact, the word “submit” is actually supplied in many versions.
Thus—when a husband follows Paul’s imperative command to love his wife in a self-sacrificial way, the woman will naturally want to submit to her husband. So if your wife is not interested in aligning herself with you, dear husband, don’t lay the blame at her door—look in the mirror! Paul lays the blame at your doorstep. “Husbands, go all out in loving your wives,” he says.
Notice again what Toews proposes: “The sharpness of Paul’s address to the husbands in comparison with the soft manner of encouraging the wives indicates that Paul considers the men more reluctant to show love for their wives than for the wives to subordinate themselves to their husbands. . . . In my experience the church has used [this passage] to exhort women to be subordinate to their husbands and to men in the church. I suggest that we have misinterpreted the text. Paul wrote the text to exhort men to love their wives. Paul saw men as the problem, not women. We would do well to let Paul’s vision for men and husbands correct our distortions. The family crisis of our time, as I see it, is fundamentally a crisis of the male ego and role as husband, first of all, and then father.”6
This interpretation, which may seem radically different from what we’ve thought before, is solid and based completely on the text itself.
Of course, the only way husbands can truly go “all out” in loving their wives is by understanding that Christ has gone “all out” in loving them. This is Paul’s point when he says that “husbands” should “love [their] wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (verse 25). We cannot divorce Paul’s imperative command from his indicative reminder. We cannot get around the incontrovertible truth that Christian men will love their wives only insofar as they understand and comprehend the objective truth of Christ’s constant love for them.
Thinking of the fullness of God’s love for them pushes husbands forward to love their wives. Knowing His love, knowing that He looks beyond our faults and constantly gives of Himself to His church—this compels the Christian husband to pass that same love along to his wife. Indeed, as John has reminded us all, “We love, because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). The husband who does understand and appreciate the indicative truth of God’s infinite agape love, will find no way to properly love his wife.
A Modern Illustration
Back when my wife and I first started dating, I made up my mind that I was not going to casually throw out the big three words: I love you. Based on some advice I had been given, I came to the realization that I had no business telling Camille that I loved her until I was ready to give her my eternal commitment and love. Until I was ready to marry her, I wouldn’t tell her such a thing.
And it seemed as though Camille and I were heading in that direction. We definitely had intentions to get married, but there was still some hesitation in Camille’s mind. She wanted to know, for sure, that I was 100 percent committed to her. And until her fears were allayed, I don’t think we would have been able to get to the place where we could get engaged.
So I thought and prayed a lot about it, and I came up with a plan. She was going to be coming from Andrews University to enjoy Thanksgiving with my family in Vermont, so I decided that on the Saturday night after Thanksgiving, a few hours before she was going to head back to Michigan, we would go on a little date in downtown Montpelier—the tiny state capital.
We had a fun time walking around town, and then we walked around the capitol. We walked up the big steps, and we stood right next to the huge pillars that adorn the state house. And then, as we got to talking, I suddenly paused and said to Camille, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I just want to let you know that I love you.”
You should have seen the expression on her face! She was overwhelmed with joy. She was so excited. For the rest of the night Camille was on cloud nine, and I started calling her “Bounce.”
The power of three words! Indeed, the power of love. Just saying those three words assured Camille of my commitment to her, and she was finally ready to get married. A few months later we got engaged. We’ve been living in wedded bliss ever since.
But notice something very important: Camille was able to give herself fully to me only after I took the initiative and helped draw that love out of her. Her love for me wasn’t produced in a vacuum. It was a response to my love.
Ellen White’s words are appropriate: “Many men love their wives, but are too selfish to manifest it. They have a false dignity and pride, and will not show their love by words and deeds. There are many men who never know how starved is the heart of the wife for words of tender appreciation and affection.”7
Let us consider Paul’s imperative in light of the gospel indicative: “Husbands, go all out in loving your wives, just as Christ also went all out in loving you.”
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1 Doris Kearns Goodwin, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2005), p. 75.
2 Unless otherwise indicated, all Scriptures taken from the New King James Version, Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
3 Please note that I am not saying there is not a biblical basis for being against women’s ordination. It is just that this particular passage is not a good one to use for that argument.
4 Texts credited to Message are from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.
5 John E. Toews, “Paul’s Radical Vision for the Family,” in Direction 19, no. 1 (1990): 29-38. Italics supplied.
6 Toews, pp. 36-38.
7 Ellen White, Testimonies for the Church (Mountain View, Calif.: Pacific Press Pub. Assn., 1948), vol. 3, p. 527.
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Shawn Brace pastors the Bangor and Dexter churches in Maine. He and his wife, Camille, have a son and a daughter. This article was published May 17, 2012.
