“I am an Empty Shell. Less of me and more of You, Jesus.”
have kept a journal of prayers for years. As my life has become increasingly busy, I have found less quiet time to journal in the moments spent at home. Therefore, I have created this blog in the hope that my innermost thoughts, joys, desires, frustrations, doubts, and findings may have a voice without judgment or criticism. Nothing more, nothing less.
This is my opportunity to anonymously journal my joyful, and sometimes painful, life journey as a dearly loved daughter of the Almighty Father and King.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Sometimes emptiness is a good thing. It means I have the opportunity to be filled with more of Him. The emptiness I’m feeling today is not that kind of emptiness. I wish it were.
I hate this feeling. The pain. The loneliness. Life has changed so much in the last 18 months. Spiritual awakening, relocation, new town/friends/job, “losing” my closest friends to new relationships, fighting depression. And it was one year ago today the man I thought was the love of my life called off our engagement, and I was left to pick up the shattered pieces. Three months to the day before the wedding.
I thought I had found my best friend and soul mate. The man who told me I was more than he’d ever dreamed of, and who was crazy about me. A man who prayed with me and laughed with me. And then, inadvertently and unwillingly, made me feel like I would never be good enough.
The rejection still stings . . .
Lord, I know I need to allow You to take my emptiness from me and fill me with Your peace and contentment. But at the moment I just want to cling to it and feel the pain—for whatever reason. Yes, the pain is in the resistance, but surrender is so terrifying at the moment.
I see so many happy couples around me. Friends, acquaintances, strangers . . . and then there’s me. Alone.
I’m tired of hurting. Of being alone. Is it too much to ask? To have someone in my life I can love and laugh with? To have someone who cherishes me?
I know I’m not where I need to be. But am I ever going to be? I know I’m not asking the right questions right now. I’m having a pity party. It’s about You. Not about me.
I want to believe the light is just around the corner, but my faith is fading. Please do for me what I cannot do for myself. Forgive me for my doubt. Please?
Sunday, July 16, 2006
There are times, like right now, I feel the overwhelming urgency and need to sit down and talk to You . . . getting my feelings out by journaling. Almost always, getting the feelings out on paper seems to take away the power of the emotion.
It’s been a difficult weekend for me; last night and this morning more so than yesterday. I know life can be a roller coaster, but does it ever end? The steep trek upwards only to result in an unforeseen plummeting fall to the bottom, never to hit rock bottom. But then to be whisked away again just seconds before the finalizing blow at the end.
Lord, I’m clinging to You right now with all I’ve got. How is it possible to have so many people surrounding you and yet feel so lonely? It seems everywhere I look there are new couples, weddings, and the fruit of that love as children seem to be popping up everywhere. I don’t want to focus on what others have that I don’t, so help me keep my focus on You. I know one of the best cures when I feel this way is to do something for others, so maybe I need to search someone else out. I don’t really have the time to be long-term involved with anything due to my work schedule at the moment, and I’m not sure what I need to do about that either. Sometimes I think I need to give up my life here and move to a Third World country to serve You. Maybe then I’d quit complaining about the trivial things I don’t have.
But the truth is, Father, to me it isn’t trivial. You created us to thrive on companionship, so why do I castigate myself for wanting the very thing that is a created part of my nature? I have a wonderful relationship with my family and friends, and I work on keeping the lines open with You. Yet there is something missing. Please forgive me if I sound like I’m complaining, Lord. I really don’t mean to be.
I remember telling Dad one time how I felt guilty for feeling so lonely when You have provided for all my needs and seen to so many of my desires. His response was something like, “It is not selfish to ask the Lord for something He created you for, and wants to give you.”
Father, is there a lesson I still haven’t yet learned to be a fit wife and mother? Or am I never meant to have the most wonderful privilege to be awarded to a woman? Am I not meant to know true love and companionship between a man and a woman, or hold my child at my breast? If I’m not, Father, please soothe my soul, heal my broken heart, and continue to make me content with You, and You alone.
For as Job discovered, when all else was taken away and his existence on this earth seemed pointless and laden with agony, You are enough!
Monday, July 27, 2006
Reaching the Eyes
I’ve seen some pictures of myself lately, and there is something missing.
A good friend told me recently that she misses the passion I used to live each day with . . . and my smile doesn’t seem to quite reach my eyes anymore.
That hurts, because I know it is true. Please help me regain my passion and remember my joy found in You.