BY KAY KUZMA

Old Wounds
We had been married almost nine years when I realized my husband had been cheating on me. After confronting him, he cut off his relationship with the other woman.

Just last week I found some recent e-mails he had sent to this woman using a secret account. This discovery crushed me. He denied everything and asked me to trust him, even though the evidence clearly pointed to his involvement. What is a godly way to handle this matter? I don't want our three children destroyed over this.--Wanting to do God's will

Dear Wanting:
Commitment keeps marriages alive. Stand up for fidelity. If he can't offer this to you by completely dropping all questionable friendships, if he still wants to e-mail other women, tell him that you respect yourself and your children too much to put up with unfaithfulness (emotional affairs can be just as devastating as physical ones). He should leave; you certainly don't want your children to grow up thinking that it is acceptable for a father to be double-bonded. Love must have trust in order to achieve true intimacy--and that won't happen with another woman in the picture.

Most men who value their families will give up the other woman when they realize they can't have both. But this may be extremely difficult--and may require not only the fasting and prayer of a close support and an accountability group of men encircling your husband, but counseling as well. Because your husband has been guilty of unfaithfulness, he is going to have to go the extra mile and watch carefully all his relationships with women to make sure he gives you no reason to doubt his loyalty. Your job is to go the extra mile in meeting your husband's emotional needs so he doesn't use that as an excuse to stray.

If a wife is blind to her husband's emotional affair, or in "love" she puts up with her husband's special "friend," he will have little incentive, other than a guilty conscience, to give up his illicit relationship. For more, see James Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough.

The "I'm Sorry" Game
When my wife and I disagree, I try to apologize when I feel I spoke wrongly or acted in an unchristian way. But often she wants me to apologize for things I feel I did not do. For instance, she wanted me to apologize for reacting badly when she brought up a matter that bothered her. I felt that I reacted neutrally and maybe even kindly, and that she simply misinterpreted me. I apologized for being unclear and hurting her unintentionally, but she insisted that I apologize on a specific point. It seems insincere and even hypocritical to apologize for something I don't feel I did. I think I'd be a guilty wreck if I blamed myself for things I didn't do.--Unsure

Dear Unsure:
Between two Christians an apology should be automatic and sincere. Forgiveness should be your lifestyle. Even though at the time of a conflict you might momentarily think you'd like to hurt your offender, when you get your emotions under control you really don't want to go there.

It's unfair to judge the motives of another. You may not think you've done anything wrong, because your motive was not to hurt. But reality is in the eye of the beholder. If your wife feels you offended her, that's her reality. If you don't think you've done anything "technically" wrong, you can still say, "Forgive me for hurting you." If there are a number of issues on the table, then it's important to be specific when apologizing, but if not, your "I'm sorry; please forgive me," should be understood.

To force someone to apologize, and to do it in a certain way, whether they feel they have done anything wrong or not, is playing the "I'm Sorry" game. It has nothing to do with genuine forgiveness.

How do you know a person is truly sorry? When they change their dysfunctional behavior!

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Kay Kuzma, Ed.D., is founder and speaker of Family Matters. Send your questions and comments to Dr. Kay, c/o Family Matters, 1105 Big Creek Road, LaFollette, TN 37766; or via e-mail to kaykuzma@aol.com.